Ponderings
Half and Whole
On Friday, there was a repeat episode of Oprah about sperm donor children. Some of them seek out their biological fathers. Some feel a sense of loss, a sense of incompleteness, in not knowing that half of themselves. One woman wasn’t even told that her dad wasn’t her father until she was twenty-seven years old.
I can relate to these people somewhat. I have no relationship with my biological father, and in fact, I call him Sperm Donor because when you come right down to it, that’s all he contributed to my existence. I often wonder how I may be like him, what medical stuff I might inherit from him and his family, and what my other half-siblings are like. The difference with true sperm donors is that the mother goes to the bank with a specific reason and no expectations of the biological father being in the kid’s life. With my Sperm Donor, he was just an asshole who didn’t want anything to do with me or a son born to another woman a few years before I was around. He was, in my opinion, a selfish man who had no business procreating.
I am so, so lucky to have a dad who has been around since I was a baby, who raised me, supported me, and stepped up where that other bastard had no interest in doing so. Had I not been told at an early age that Dad wasn’t my biological father? Had my parents waited till I was twenty-seven like the one woman on Oprah? I’d have been livid. Although parenting is so much more than genetics, we all have a right to know where we come from. We all have a right to know that there are pieces to the puzzle that makes up who we are.
I found it interesting that some members of the panel felt loss for the part of them they don’t know. In my case, I feel this sense of rejection - no matter how worthless, shitty, and wrong that man is, my biological father did not want me. And of course, of course, I know that has nothing to do with me, but it obviously affects who I am and how I react to people.
I don’t think of this the same way as I would had I been given up for adoption. I think in the cases of adoption, the parent is trying to do what’s best for herself as well as (hopefully) for her baby. And maybe, if the Sperm Donor hadn’t already had a child before me who he also didn’t want anything to do with, I’d feel more sympathetic to him. But I don’t think he had my (or my half-brother’s) interest at heart. He was concerned about him. That’s how it differs.
In any case, the topic of not knowing your biological parent is an interesting one. It’s one I carry with me always, but that I look at from different angles now that I’m more interested in figuring out who the hell I am.
Discussion
4 comments for “Half and Whole”
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I was reading this while watching Andy Rooney discussing “half and whole” milk ingredients.
If it is any consolation, I know who both my parents are. On both sides of the family tree have research on who my parent’s parents were up several generations. Knowing my family tree this way can say with abosulte certainty I am not related to anyone famous for anything, good or bad.
Not to sound glib, at least you have an element of mystery. I’m so different from my older brother and sister and everyone else in my family like to think my mother was abducted aliens or was fooling around to explain me (nyah, if you knew my Mom would know it was more likely she was abducted by aliens).
I don’t have those feelings. I never have. I don’t feel like I’m missing anything and I don’t feel the rejection thing. I have weird thoughts about it. None that I want to discuss here.
It did effect the way I parent. That’s why I am so friendly with Justin and his family. I know first hand that a child needs two parents, whether the parents are together or not.
I also know that father’s give children things mother’s can’t. I can see my husband’s influence on our children. He can give things I can’t. (Like standing up to pee!)
My sister had such a need she found her dad. Turns out he lived 20 minutes from where we went to highschool. He isn’t that great. He lives in a 800 sq ft house by the airport and works at Chrysler on the line. He smokes pot and drinks. He’s a winner! He loves her though. He does so much for her now. It’s sickening.
@Rich - Why’s Andy Rooney always stealin’ my thunder, yo? I’d rather not have the mystery, honestly. There are enough secrets on the side of the family I’m aware of where I don’t need more. Are you tired of the milkman joke yet as to your whereabouts?
@jennifer - There you go with the pee talk again. Sheesh! ;) Seriously, though, it’s interesting how everyone has different reactions to growing up without (or even with) a parent. I shrink would have a field day.
I think it’s interesting too. I’ve always wondered why I don’t feel that urge. My mom wasn’t the greatest, having a dad might have helped. I just don’t have that feeling.
I do know that children adjust. It’s not the best scenario but they do. Sometimes it makes them even more well rounded.
Pat has lived in two houses his entire life. He can adapt to new situations much quicker because of it. Not only that, he feels safe no matter where he’s at because Jr and I tell him a million times a day how special and important he is.
I think if the parents or parent does what they need to then it makes it easier. I think you mom did a good job and your *dad* filled the gap very well.
You have done well for yourself. You’re pretty grounded. ; )