Ponderings
Midweek Epiphanies
I’ve mentioned before - ad nauseum, even - how the closer I get to thirty, the more I don’t even seem like the same Diz. Maybe that’s melodramatic, but seriously - if you had asked me at twenty, or even twenty-five, if I thought I’d be looking at ways to reduce my carbon footprint, increase my savings account, go to a doctor to get some health issues squared away, and lose weight, I’d probably have rolled my eyes at you and told you to go away.
In all honesty, ask me that now and I’ll still roll my eyes and tell you to go away. But only because that means you haven’t been reading this blog. Also, you’d probably point out that I considered myself a fatass at twenty-five, so the above paragraph is only partially true.
Anyway, this new, tree-hugging, future-looking Diz is someone I don’t really know all that well yet. I have always been a late bloomer and I am constantly questioning why this change has been occurring so rapidly as I leave my twenties behind. Some friends who’ve already trekked over the bridge to thirty don’t think it’s all that abnormal. But indulge me for a second as I try to put this hippie theory I have into words.
I was an insecure kid, and I am sure that it stems from feelings of rejection that go all the way back to the Sperm Donor not having a part in my life. While I am positive that I lucked out with my Dad instead of my father, it still effected me on some weird, internal level. The feelings of rejection continued into grade school when stupid little kids decided not to be friends with the brainiac (that would be me again). As much as direct and indirect response from others shouldn’t affect how you see yourself, it does. I know this.
For years I’ve claimed to like my weirdness, to appreciate the fact that I’m not like everyone else. And while, on some level, that may be true, I think in the past year and change or so, that maybe something has been shifting inside. Maybe on some weird, unknown level, I’ve started to believe that more. I still hate people, mostly, and the stupid things we do and buy into because we can’t be bothered to look for better, but maybe I like myself more than I used to. Maybe I’m starting to value myself enough to not want to negatively affect the Earth, or the animals, or my body, or whatever, and that’s why I’m paying attention to the numbers on the bottom of plastic bottles, crying about cows in slaughterhouses, and watching Suze Orman every weekend.
On the other hand, maybe my theory is bullshit, and the voice in my head will start talking again, trying to prove me wrong. For now, let the voice shut the fuck up. In the words of Stuart Smalley, “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and gosh darn it! People like me!”
(But really, it doesn’t matter so much if people like me, as long as I like me.)
Discussion
6 comments for “Midweek Epiphanies”
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self esteem is tricky business. It’s internal, but can be shaped by so many external forces. finding a center, a balance, oh the outside looking in view and the inside looking out view is important :-) and that THAT from a fat ass 30 year old lol *hugs*
If life is going sort of great, then you feel good. If life is going cr@p, then you feel cr@p. Difficult cycle.
I don’t think I’ve ever had that sperm donor feeling…I’m sure it had an impact but the only time I think of him is when the kids are sick.
30 is a transition age. It is normal to think about your future! And we’re all weird. We all of our “things”.
I’ve never thought you were weird. ; )
YOU WENT TO A FARMERS MARKET WITHOUT ME?!!!
-10 friend points for you!
Hi Diz,
From someone who is near the end of his 30’s I can tell you this.. They rock! Seriously.
I can not explain it but there is something that just happens as you progress through life in your 30’s. I am not as pissed off or confused or worrying about where my life was going. It’s a great feeling.
I say this because you should be celebrating the fact you are leaving the 20 something years behind. I heard the 40’s are even better. The 50’s… well… not so great because body parts can begin to give you trouble. But for now, I will enjoy these days because they are good.
Take care!
@Ruthie - It’s totally tricky. Here’s hoping we figure it out before 40!
@Whome - What came first, the chicken or the egg?
@Jennifer - You’ve never thought I was any weirder than you, anyway ;) The Sperm Donor feeling is interesting. I’m sure a shrink would love to analyze it.
@TLo - Stop commenting to my Twitter tweets on blogs :P
@Ben - Thanks for the heads up on what’s to come. I can tell you that my parents are in their 50’s now and yep, body parts and trouble are it! Enjoy the moment; I’ll try to do the same!