Health

Hero takes a fall

I think that the last third of the year is the time when I struggle the most. Since 2001, it also seems to be the time when the most changes occur in my life.

In the late summer and fall of 2001, I moved into my first apartment, bought a new car, was inching toward regular employment at a job I’d taken seasonally in the spring, and, of course, experienced the trauma of working and living within fifteen miles of New York City during 9/11.

From September to December every year, my job is busy and focuses on the holiday rush. That, combined with the fact that my grandparents are no longer with us and my brother prefers to hang with friends than with family, sucks the fun out of Thanksgiving (I only have the Thursday off, anyway) and Christmas (bah humbug). For a majority of the Novembers since 2004, I’ve tried to participate in NaNoWriMo, with varying degrees of success. It falls at the worst possible time of year, but I do it, because I love to write.

This year, work is expected to be busier than ever, and while it doesn’t overwhelm me as it apparently seems to, I prefer not to have to work long hours, to think of it any longer than the thirty-five hours a week I am expected there. Last year, my parents were facing my father’s layoff at the end of ‘06. This year, he is still unemployed, and added to that are some events that have landed my brother into some hot water. Once again, the chaos is surrounding me.

On top of all the extraneous circumstances, there is the issue of my health. After ten-plus years of being doctor-phobic, I sucked it up this past May and began seeing an endocrinologist to figure out what was wrong. I’ve been on levothyroxine for the past few months and the dosage has changed a few times. The thing that bothers me is that my hair is falling out. Now, I have a thick head of hair and I donated 9 inches to Pantene Beautiful Lengths a couple of months ago. I didn’t notice anything until a few weeks ago, and wondered if I was just noticing the hair falling out more now that it’s shorter, or what. In the past few days, it’s been falling out more. I’m not bald or anything, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t freaking out about the prospect.

Hair loss is a symptom of taking levothyroxine, and thyroid issues. Alledgedly, once I am “regulated”, the hair will grow back. But what if it takes a long time to regulate? I hate to be whiny and vain, but when I grab at the back ends of my hair and pull strands away, I freak out. I have actually been brushing my hair as little as possible because I don’t want to see what comes out on the brush. When I mentioned my concerns to a friend, she told me that, for what it’s worth, my hair doesn’t look to be thinning out at all. That’s not comforting, I can’t help it.

The prospect of losing (even a relatively small amount of) hair makes me think of my grandmother, who died ten years ago next month of lung cancer. She lost all of her hair after chemo. She suffered way more than anyone deserves to - I wouldn’t wish cancer on my worst enemy - and I have conflicted feelings of worrying that someday I’ll suffer that way and feeling ashamed at whining about my medical issues.

Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis is a chronic condition and I’ll have to take meds for it for the rest of my life. And, while I am thankful that I don’t have a lot of the symptoms I’ve read about on forums I lurk on and other articles, I should probably stay away from the internet on this subject. I tried to subscribe to “ignorance is bliss” for a decade. Now that I took a proactive step in regards to my health, the more informed I try to get, the more upset and aggravated I feel.

I’m also taking estrogen because, of course, it can’t just be my thyroid that’s all screwy. The fact that I’m taking medication to regulate various hormone levels makes me realize that how I’m feeling isn’t 100% rational, so I’m trying to keep that in mind and not think about how I felt better before May. What I don’t need is people to coddle me, to tell me “well at least you’re doing something about your health”, to tell me that while I’m freaking out about me I should remember them. I need to be selfish and not worry about everyone else right now. I have a hard time doing that - and with all the other stuff going on, I’m trying not to be so passive-aggressive about people and situations.

I am on some sort of new-age, hippy, journey of self-actualization, but I haven’t actually put one foot in front of the other yet, because I’m still worrying about what comes next.

Tags: 9/11, cancer, Christmas, family, grandparents, internet, job, NaNoWriMo, thyroid, water

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